Best Things to Do in Dubai With Kids

Here are Dubai’s top family activities. Explore the Dubai Miracle Garden and IMG Worlds of Adventure for an unforgettable day. And, surprise: One’s actually indoors!

The Spider-Man Doc Ock’s Revenge ride at IMG Worlds of Adventure

Dubai, known for its towering skyscrapers and luxury shopping, is also a paradise for families. A variety of over-the-top activities in Dubai cater to children and provide unforgettable experiences. 

Whether it’s exploring lush gardens or embarking on thrilling adventures, Dubai has something for every family. From the magnificent flower arrangements at the Dubai Miracle Garden to the adrenaline-pumping rides and superheroes at IMG Worlds of Adventure, the city ensures endless fun and excitement for kids and adults alike. 

Note: In most parts of the world, you’d expect an amusement park to be an outdoor attraction. But this is Dubai, where the average temperature soars to around 97°F (36°C). That’s why IMG Worlds of Adventure is indoors (and yes, air-conditioned!), ensuring a comfortable way to beat the heat.

The garden, by necessity, is outdoors, which is why I recommend starting your day there.

Morning: Explore the Dubai Miracle Garden

Dubai Miracle Garden is a floral wonderland in the heart of the desert. Opened on Valentine’s Day in 2013, the Dubai Miracle Garden is a marvel of modern horticulture, renowned for its record-breaking achievements and sustainable practices. As the world’s largest flower garden, it spans over 775,000 square feet (72,000 square meters) and showcases more than 150 million flowers arranged in vibrant and imaginative displays. 

In 2023, the garden further solidified its place in the record books with the largest vertical garden, reflecting its innovative use of space and greenery. 

Beyond its breathtaking displays, Dubai Miracle Garden is a leader in sustainable gardening. The garden employs a state-of-the-art drip irrigation system that recycles wastewater, ensuring efficient water use essential for maintaining its lush landscapes in Dubai’s arid climate. 

Organic fertilizers are used to nourish the plants, reducing the reliance on chemical-based alternatives and promoting eco-friendly gardening practices. 

Additionally, solar panels power various installations within the garden, minimizing the carbon footprint and harnessing renewable energy sources.

The garden also engages the community through educational programs and workshops, raising awareness about sustainability and environmental conservation. 

Why it’s a great spot for families: Dubai Miracle Garden offers a magical experience for families. The vibrant colors and creative designs captivate children’s imaginations, while parents can appreciate the artistry and effort behind each display. With themed areas, interactive spots and plenty of photo opportunities, it’s a destination that delights all ages.

Must-See Attractions at Dubai Miracle Garden

Heart Passage

Heart Passage at Dubai Miracle Garden is a romantic and enchanting floral tunnel formed by a series of heart arches. Adorned with vibrant flowers, this passage creates a picturesque walkway perfect for family photos. Walking through Heart Passage feels like stepping into a fairy tale, making it a favorite spot for visitors of all ages.

Airbus A380 Floral Display

One of the garden’s most iconic features is the life-size replica of an Emirates Airbus A380, which holds the Guinness World Record for the largest floral installation. This colossal structure is adorned with 500,000 fresh flowers and plants, covering 10% of the garden’s total area. 

The intricate design and sheer size of the display leave visitors in awe. Children are fascinated by seeing an airplane made of flowers, and it provides a unique and memorable photo opportunity for families. 

Disney Avenue

Disney Avenue at Dubai Miracle Garden brings beloved Mouse House characters to life through vibrant floral sculptures, including Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Daisy Duck, Goofy, Pluto, and Huey, Dewey and Louie. The colorful displays and familiar characters create a whimsical atmosphere that kids will adore. 

One of these has been dubbed the tallest topiary sculpture in the world: the 59-foot (18-meter) tall depiction of Mickey Mouse, which earned a Guinness World Record in 2018. 

Families can take delightful photos with the floral versions of their favorite Disney characters, making it a magical experience that adds to the garden’s charm and appeal.

Floral Castles

The Floral Castles are majestic structures adorned with a stunning array of flowers, creating a fairy tale ambiance. These towering structures, covered in blooms of various colors, are a favorite among visitors. Children can let their imaginations run wild as they explore the enchanting flower fortresses. The Floral Castles provide a picturesque setting for family photos and offer a sense of wonder and delight.

Butterfly Garden

Adjacent to Dubai Miracle Garden, the Butterfly Garden is home to over 15,000 butterflies from around the world. This enclosed garden offers an interactive and educational experience, where children can learn about different butterfly species and observe them in their natural habitat. The Butterfly Garden’s lush environment and vibrant butterflies create a captivating and serene atmosphere. It’s a nice complement to the floral displays of Dubai Miracle Garden, providing families with a closer connection to nature and a memorable visit.

Practical Information

Tickets: Tickets for Dubai Miracle Garden can be purchased both online and at the gate. For the best experience and to avoid long queues, it’s recommended to buy Dubai Miracle Garden tickets in advance online. Prices vary, with discounts often available for children, seniors and families. Additionally, combo tickets that include entry to the Butterfly Garden are available for a complete experience.

Opening hours and best months to visit: Dubai Miracle Garden is open from November to April, aligning with Dubai’s cooler months. The garden typically opens from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. on weekdays, and until 11 p.m. on weekends. Early mornings and weekdays are the best times to visit to avoid crowds and enjoy the displays at a leisurely pace.

Afternoon: Thrills at IMG Worlds of Adventure

After a delightful morning at Dubai Miracle Garden, head to IMG Worlds of Adventure for an afternoon of excitement. This indoor theme park is one of the largest in the world, covering an area of 1.5 million square feet (about 140,000 square meters).

Why it’s a great spot for families: IMG Worlds of Adventure offers a combination of beloved characters, heart-pounding rides and immersive experiences for all age groups. From Marvel superheroes to Cartoon Network characters, the park brings fantasy worlds to life. With its climate-controlled environment, it’s an ideal place to escape the heat and enjoy hours of fun.

Must-See Attractions at IMG Worlds

Marvel Zone: Superhero-Themed Rides and Shows

The Marvel Zone at IMG Worlds of Adventure is a playground for fanboys and girls. This section of the park features thrilling rides and attractions based on popular Marvel characters such as Spider-Man, Iron Man, Thor and the Hulk. Highlights include the Hulk Epsilon Base 3D, a multisensory ride that takes guests on an epic adventure with the green superhero, and Avengers: Battle of Ultron, an immersive experience where fans join Earth’s Mightiest Heroes in a high-stakes showdown.

Additionally, the zone offers more interactive experiences and live shows, allowing families to meet their favorite heroes and enjoy action-packed entertainment. 

Cartoon Network Zone: Kid-Friendly Attractions and Interactive Experiences

The Cartoon Network Zone brings beloved cartoon characters to life, providing a playful and engaging environment for children. Attractions include rides themed around shows like The Powerpuff Girls, Ben 10 and Adventure Time. The Ben 10 5D Hero Time ride offers an immersive experience with special effects and a thrilling storyline. 

Kids can also enjoy interactive play areas, meet-and-greets with their favorite characters and live shows. This zone’s focus on fun and creativity ensures a delightful visit for young visitors, making it a fave spot within IMG Worlds of Adventure.

Lost Valley – Dinosaur Adventure: Thrilling Rides and Prehistoric Encounters

Lost Valley – Dinosaur Adventure transports visitors back in time to encounter life-sized animatronic dinosaurs and exhilarating rides like the Velociraptor roller coaster. The Forbidden Territory ride allows families to explore a dinosaur-filled jungle in specially designed vehicles. 

Interactive experiences and educational exhibits provide insights into the world of dinosaurs, making it both fun and informative. The combination of thrills and learning opportunities makes Lost Valley a captivating zone for families visiting IMG Worlds of Adventure.

IMG Boulevard: Shops, Restaurants and Live Entertainment

IMG Boulevard serves as the central hub of IMG Worlds of Adventure, offering a variety of shops, restaurants and entertainment options. Visitors can have meals at themed eateries, shop for souvenirs and branded merch, and watch live performances. 

The Haunted Hotel isn’t a hotel you can actually stay in — thankfully, for the faint of heart — but rather an immersive walk-through attraction designed to give you chills. As you venture through the dimly lit corridors, you’ll encounter eerie rooms and unexpected scares around every corner. The setting mimics the atmosphere of an abandoned, decrepit hotel, complete with creepy characters and spine-tingling surprises. Each room has its own horror theme, keeping the suspense alive as you never know what might be lurking in the shadows. 

IMG Boulevard’s diverse offerings make it a perfect place to relax and recharge between adventures, enhancing the overall experience of visiting the theme park.

Practical Information

Tickets: Tickets for IMG Worlds of Adventure can be bought online or at the entrance. To make the most of your visit and avoid waiting in line, it’s advisable to purchase IMG World tickets in advance online. Ticket prices vary, with options for single-day entry, fast track access and annual passes. Discounts are often available for children, seniors and groups.

Opening hours and best times to visit: IMG Worlds of Adventure is open year-round, with daily operating hours typically from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. The park is busiest on weekends and holidays, so visiting on weekdays or during off-peak hours can provide a more relaxed experience. Arriving early can help you enjoy the most popular attractions without long waits.

The Perfect Day: Dubai’s Top Family Attractions

Dubai is a city that offers an endless array of activities for families, ensuring a memorable vacation for all. From the enchanting blooms of Dubai Miracle Garden to the thrilling escapades at IMG Worlds of Adventure, there’s something to delight every member of the family. By exploring these two top attractions, you’ll experience the versatility and magic that make Dubai a premier family-friendly destination. Whether you’re wandering through flower-covered pathways or meeting your favorite superheroes, Dubai promises an unforgettable journey filled with joy and wonder. –Karan Arora

Descriptions of God’s Body in the Bible

From his massive member to a horned head, there are plenty of references to God having a corporal body in the Old Testament. Some shocking findings from “God: An Anatomy.”

Perhaps the most famous depiction of God is this detail of the Creation of Adam, painted by Michelangelo on ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

What does God look like? 

Most people nowadays probably fall into two camps: those who say God is incorporeal, an entity without form — and those who imagine him as Michelangelo painted him, a powerful if elderly man with a flowing white beard and a penchant for long white robes.  

Those who think of God as bodiless haven’t paid enough attention to their Old Testament, though. In fact, the first clue is right there…in the beginning.

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). 

That means God is humanlike — or should I say, humans are godlike?

It’s not so strange that God had a body. All his fellow gods did, from his competition in the Middle East to the pantheons of Ancient Egypt, Greece and Rome. 

Add up all the descriptions of God in the Old Testament, and you get a red-skinned, powerfully built older man.

So what does he look like? Take all the Old Testament mentions of God, add them together and here’s what you get, according to Francesca Stavrakopoulou in her 2022 book God: An Anatomy:

A supersized, human-shaped body with male features and shining, ruddy-red skin, tinged with the smell of rainclouds and incense. His broad legs suggest he was accustomed not only to straining, leaping and marching, but sitting and standing resolutely stiff, posing like a ceremonial statue. His biceps bulge. His forearms are hard as iron. There are faint indentations around his big toes, left by thonged sandals. Beneath his toenails there are traces of human blood, as though he has been trampling on broken bodies, while the remnants of fragrant grass around his ankles suggest strolls through a verdant garden. The slightly lighter tone of the skin on his thighs indicates he was most often clothed, at least down to his knees, if not his ankles. Minute fibers of fine fabric — a costly linen and wool mix — indicate that his clothing was similar to the vestments of high-status priests. His penis is long, thick and carefully circumcised; his testicles are heavy with semen. His stomach is swollen with spiced meat, bread, beer and wine. The chambers of his heart are deep and wide. His fingers are stained with an expensive ink, and there are remnants of clay under his fingernails. On his arms are faint scars left from the grazes of giant fish-scales, and the crooks of his elbows, slightly sticky with a salty oil, bear the imprint of swaddling bands, suggesting he has cradled newborn babies. Traces of the tannery fluid used by hide-workers wind in a stripe around his left arm and down to the palm of his hand — a residual substance left by a long leather tefillin strap.

His thick hair is oiled with a sweet-smelling ointment, and shows evidence of careful styling: the hair-shafts suggest it was once separated and curled into thick ropes, while slight marks on the back of his scalp indicate it has been partly pinned beneath some sort of headgear, and his forehead is marked with the faint impression of a tight band of metal. Although his beard reaches beneath his chin, it has been neatly groomed, while his mustache and eyebrows are thick and tidy. The hair on his head and face shimmers — first dark with blue hues, like lapis lazuli, then white and bright, like fresh snow. And one glance, he has the beard of his aged father, the ancient Levantine god El; in another, it is the stylized beard of a youthful warrior, like the deity Baal. His ears are prominent, and their lobes are pierced. His eyes are thickly lined with kohl. His nose is long, its nostrils broad — the scent of burnt animal flesh and fragrant incense lingers inside them. His lips are full and fleshy, his mouth large and wide. It is at once the mouth of a devourer and a lover. His teeth are strong and sharp, his tongue is red hot. His saliva is charged with a blistering heat. The back of his throat is a vast, airy chamber, once humming with life. Below it is an opening of a cavernous gullet. Shadowy scraps of another powerful being, the dusty underworld king, cling to its walls.

The depictions of Yahweh in the Bible are disparate, but some common themes emerge.

Quite a picture, eh? All these details appear in various books of the Old Testament. Here’s a sampling.

God liked to walk in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve … before they dared to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Walking and Talking With God

Later in Genesis, Adam and Eve have eaten of the forbidden fruit and hide from God when they hear him “walking in the garden.”

Enoch, Noah and Abraham go for walks with God as well — as did Moses. Sure, God showed up as a burning bush when they first met, but after that, “the Lord used to speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend” (Exodus 33:11). 

Yahweh first showed himself as a burning bush to Moses, but after a while they became good friends and would often take walks together.

Holy Shit! God’s Ground Rules 

With all that walking, God had to be careful he didn’t step in something unpleasant. 

When the Israelites flee Egypt en route to the Promised Land during the Exodus, God declares, “You shall have a designated area outside the camp to which you shall go; with your utensils you shall have a trowel; when you relieve yourself outside, you shall dig a  hole with it and then cover up your excrement, because Yahweh your God walks in your camp” (Deuteronomy 23:12-14). 

Apparently his omniscience doesn’t extend to knowing how to avoid excrement. It’s heartening to know that God steps in shit just like we do. 

The prophet Ezekiel saw God in a chariot supported by hybrid heavenly creatures.

The Cherubim Chariot 

After the Babylonians destroyed and plundered the Temple, the worshippers of Yahweh surely wondered if their god had also been vanquished. So the book of Ezekiel offers up a scene of Yahweh’s escape. He is seated on his supersized throne, using the Ark of the Covenant as his footstool (!). Cherubim (not the chubby baby angels you’re thinking of but four-winged celestial beings with four faces — that of a man, lion, eagle and cherub) perch upon wheels and bear the throne aloft. 

You didn’t want to be on Yahweh’s bad side; he was prone to violent reactions — including stomping people to death.

God’s Stomping Grounds

But God doesn’t only walk and rest his feet. Sometimes he goes on a murderous rampage. Yahweh marches back from a massacre in the enemy kingdom of Edom: “I trampled down peoples in my anger, I crushed them in my wrath, and I poured out their life blood on the earth,” he tells a sentry in Isaiah 63:6. 

“This is a god who has felt the crunch of bones and skulls under his feet; the warm, wet mulch of human flesh around his ankles; the heart spray of blood on his legs,” Stavrakopoulou writes.

In Isaiah’s vision of God, is that a massive robe filling the Temple — or something more phallic?

God’s Genitals on Display

A couple of prophets even boasted of seeing God’s oversized genitals — and yes, this is all in the Bible. Isaiah, in the middle of the 8th century BCE, entered the inner sanctum of the Jerusalem Temple, where he beheld a surprising sight. 

“My eyes have seen the King, Yahweh of Hosts!” the prophet declares in Isaiah 6:1. “I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, tall and lofty! His lower extremities filled the temple!”

But the Hebrew word he used for “lower extremities” was shul, which actually means “genitals,” Stavrakopoulou informs us. (It’s worth pointing out that many scholars argue that the word actually means the hem of a robe.)

So Isaiah is saying he saw God naked — and, um, let’s just say he was impressed. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised to learn that God’s hung. 

Another prophet, Ezekiel, describes a much stranger encounter: He sees God and focuses on what “looked to be his motnayim” — another Hebrew word for genitals, Stavrakopoulou writes. He looks above and below and sees the rest of the Lord’s body engulfed in flames (Ezekiel 1:27). 

I’m not sure why Ezekiel seems hesitant about if he’s looking at God’s groin or not — perhaps all that fire is blinding him a bit — but heavens knows Isaiah had no doubts about what he was seeing. 

The Ancient Egyptian god Min was usually depicted as having a massive erection.

‘The Imposing Erect Virility’ of the Gods

As shocking as this might seem, depictions and stories of gods having erections were common at the time these Bible books were written. A carving of the Egyptian god Min at Luxor Temple, for example, shows the fertility deity with a massive hard-on as he greets Alexander the Great. 

“In the ancient cultures of southwest Asia [Stavrakopoulou’s non-Western-centric terminology for the Middle East], a sizable penis, and even its occasional overt exhibition, did not render male deities less godly, but appropriately divine. The imposing erect virility of masculine gods was vividly celebrated in these ancient societies and the religious literature they produced,” Stavrakopoulou writes. “[T]he penises of ancient southwest Asian gods embodied a conspicuous and powerful hyper-masculinity deemed essential to the ordering, fruitfulness and well-being of the cosmos and its inhabitants.”

Cain, who killed his brother, Abel, might have been God’s son, not Adam’s!

Cain’s Baby Daddy Isn’t Adam…But God?!

Most of us assume that Adam and Eve had children — but if you look at the Bible, Eve declares that Cain at least was actually the offspring of her and God: “I have procreated with Yahweh!” she shouts in Genesis 4:1. 

“The more literal translation of the Hebrew is rarely seen,” Stavrakopoulou writes. “Most renderings of this verse default to a theologically fudged interpretation, so that Eve is merely presented as claiming that Yahweh has ‘helped’ her to ‘acquire a man,’ as any good fertility god might.”

Yahweh, like the Greek gods, who had sex with many unwilling women, could be prone to lust.

God as a Sexual Predator 

In the book of Hosea, God not only has a body — he actually gets it on with a young woman who’s the personification of Israel. 

“Here, Israel is a capricious teenager whose sexual allure so intoxicates God, he falls to scheming obsessively and possessively to make her his wife,” Stavrakopoulou writes. “‘I will take her walking into the wilderness and speak to her heart … and there she will cry out.’ 

“These words betray more than the romantic fantasy of a love-struck deity,” she continues. “God’s language here marks a shift from passion to threat: In claiming he will ‘seduce’ her, he uses a Hebrew expression more usually employed in the Bible to describe the rape of captive women.”

This idea of God as a sexual predator — or even just a sexual being — has been problematic for centuries, and that’s certainly true with our current sensibilities. 

“Theologically, the sexual grooming and graphic violence God inflicts on his young wife is immensely difficult for some modern-day believers to reconcile with their idealized constructs of God,” Stavrakopoulou says. “But for many Jewish and Christian readers, it is more specifically the graphic portrayal of a sexually actively deity that has proved unbearable: It has been mistranslated, dismissed as ‘mere’ allegory, or simply ignored.”

Foreign books are immensely dependent upon their translations — all the more essential for the Bible, a book so many people take literally. That’s what makes this softening of the original message so alarming. 

“In standard modern translations of the Tanakh [the Hebrew Bible] and the Christian Bible, the graphic sexual imagery of these troubling texts is softened or obscured with sanitized vocabulary and clunky euphemisms,” Stavrakopoulou writes. 

Yahweh knew Moses couldn’t handle seeing him all in his glory — so he offered just a peek of his cheeks.

God Shows Moses His Glorious Backside 

Up on Mount Sinai, Moses asks God to reveal himself: “How shall it be known that I have found favor in your sight, I and your people?” he asks in Exodus 33:16-18. “Please, show me your Glory.”

But God says that Moses can’t handle his awesomeness — he’ll only allow him to see his backside. It’s the same term used elsewhere in the Bible to describe the buttocks of an animal, according to Stavrakopoulou. 

God adds that no mortal could gaze upon his face and live. “In its narrative context, it is a capricious assertion, for Yahweh and Moses have already enjoyed a number of conversations ‘face to face’ — and Moses has survived,” Stavrakopoulou points out. 

Like other deities of the Middle East, Yahweh’s body is engulfed in a dazzling aura: He is “wrapped in light as with a garment” and “clothed with glory and splendor.” 

It’s all too easy to think of these descriptions as hyperbolic — but they’re meant to be taken literally, Stavrakopoulou asserts. 

Whether they were literal or beams of light, Moses came back from a convo with God bearing horns.

The Glory of God Makes Moses Horny

“In Exodus, however, God’s luminescent backside clearly gives off something more powerful than a wondrous afterglow. When Moses finally descends from the Holy Mountain, clutching the Ten Commandments, his own face is startlingly transformed,” Stavrakopoulou writes. “But quite how is a matter of some debate, for the ancient Semitic root of the Hebrew term used to describe this transformation probably means ‘horn,’ but is also associated with light. The earliest translations of this peculiar story indicate that, from at least the 3rd century BCE, Moses was understood to have developed horn-like rays of light, so that his face beamed with a divine radiance. Other ancient scholars would assume Moses’ face literally grew horns — a symbol of the divine elsewhere in the Bible — giving rise to startling medieval images of Moses as a double-horned being. Either way, Moses undergoes a bodily transformation so profound that the Israelites cannot look him in the face and are afraid to go near him. Moses’ visual encounter with God has left its mark on him, rendering him more divine than human.”

Poor Moses never entered the Promised Land — but was it God who took the care to bury him?

God the Gravedigger

Moses seems to have been the Old Testament character with the most face time with God. And that lasted right up until the moment of his death. The poor guy — being a favorite of Yahweh doesn’t get you much. Moses dramatically led the exodus of escaped Israelite slaves out of Egypt, delivered the Ten Commandments and wandered the desert for 40 years. Finally, the time has come to enter the Promised Land. But, in a shocking twist, God shows Moses the beautiful sight of their hard-earned payoff — and then tells him to literally drop dead: “Moses, the servant of Yahweh, died there in the land of Moab, at Yahweh’s command. And he buried him in the valley in the land of Moab” (Deuteronomy 34:5-6). 

“In the book of Deuteronomy, Moses’ gravedigger is God himself,” Stavrakopoulou writes. “Appalled by the idea that God could contaminate himself with the impurity of a corpse — even the corpse of so holy a man as Moses — some Jewish and Christian translators corrected what they perceived to be an error in the text: ‘he buried him’ simply became ‘he was buried’ or ‘they buried him,’ leaving generations of readers to assume that mourning Israelites or weeping angels had performed Moses’ mortuary rites, rather than God himself.”

Baal, one of Yahweh’s biggest rivals in the ancient Middle East

God Gets Horny

It’s an image that wouldn’t sit well with most modern Christians or Jews — especially given its connections to the Devil and demons — but one of the earliest descriptions of God describes him as having horns. “God, who brought [Israel] out of Egypt, has horns like a wild ox!” the prophet Balaam declares in Numbers 23:22. 

“In the Western imagination, a horned being tends to conjure images of the diabolical, and the grotesque. From the man-eating bull-headed Minotaur of Greek myth to the cloven-hooved goat-faced Devil of Christianity, horns have long served as a hallmark of horror,” Stavrakopoulou writes. “But in the world of the very ancient gods, horns were the most prestigious and alluring manifestations of divinity, and most deities would be equipped with them.”

Horns were a sign of power, designating that the gods who sported them “were beings of bullish virility and ferocious strength,” Stavrakopoulou explains. 

There’s a horrific description of a fiery God — right before he gobbles up a roasted king of Assyria.

The Nose Knows: God’s Wrath and a Kingly BBQ

“The God of the Bible was particularly proud of his nose,” Stavrakopoulou tells us. “In his lengthy monologue on Mount Sinai, he reels off a list of his best qualities, not only describing himself as merciful, gracious and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, but ‘long-nosed,’ too.” 

This is a way of saying he has deep nostrils, she says — meaning slower breathing, and by extension, being patient and slow to anger. 

But once that temper raged, you didn’t want to be anywhere near him. 

In the book of Isaiah, a seer spies Yahweh in the distance, his nose ablaze, “his lips full of fury, his tongue a devouring fire; his breath an overflowing stream, reaching up to the neck!” (Isaiah 30:27-28). 

What’s God up to? Oh, just sacrificing an Assyrian king upon a pyre and feasting on his charred corpse.

The ancient Levantine deity El

The Ancient Almighty: God’s Golden Years 

Our current image of God as a powerful older man comes from a portrayal in Daniel 7:9-10 from the 2nd century BCE. As Stavrakopoulou states, “God himself remains a picture of perpetual purity: Enthroned, in fiery splendor, and surrounded by thousands of divine courtiers, he is called ‘an Ancient of Days,’ dressed in robes ‘white as snow,’ with hair ‘like a lamb’s wool.’”

Again, this iconography is borrowed from neighboring deities, including El, whom Stavrakopoulou describes as Yahweh’s father — before Yahweh was retrofitted as the sole true god. El’s (and Yahweh’s) gray hair and beard were seen as signs of immortality and wisdom. 

Unseen and Unsculpted: The Theological Dance Around God’s Corporality

When thinking about this article, I realized something that shocked me: While I’ve seen a few paintings of God — Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel depiction of God (looking suspiciously like Zeus) reaching out to Adam springs to mind — I couldn’t think of a single sculpture of him.

Part of this is due to the fact that the mentions of God as having a body in the Bible make many Christians uncomfortable. They want the only depiction of God as corporeal to be that of Jesus. 

“Those troublesome verses in the scriptures attesting to God’s body would be smoothed, smothered or superseded by new interpretive frameworks and some fancy philosophical footwork,” Stavrakopoulou writes. “A favorite tactic employed by early Christian theologians was simply to reduce all biblical references to God’s body to the symbolic.” 

Even further back than that, after the Jerusalem Temple had been rebuilt in the 5th century BCE, Yahweh’s worshippers understood all too well the vulnerability and lack of transcendence of a corporeal god. 

It was around this time one of the Ten Commandments became “You shall not make for yourself a carved image.”

Once a vividly described giant, God lost his body. 

Are there few statues of God because one of the Ten Commandments forbids “carved images”?

And therein lies the main controversy around God: An Anatomy. The book has ignited a theological firestorm, dragging Yahweh off his lofty pedestal and into the gritty, grimy realm of human physicality. Some scholars are applauding Stavrakopoulou’s daring approach, while others are reaching for the nearest exorcism manual.

Biblical scholar Joel Edmund Anderson isn’t holding back. On his blog, Resurrecting Orthodoxy, he accuses Stavrakopoulou of having a “tin ear to the literary artistry and nuance of the biblical texts,” arguing that her interpretations are overly literal and lack proper contextual grounding. 

So, even though many Christians believe everything in the Bible to be literal, they prefer to skip over references to God’s form — it’s all too close to those pagan deities. Team Symbolic has won out; no one really talks too much about God’s body nowadays. It seems that the divine anatomy lesson is one lecture most would rather miss. –Wally

Ramadan Revealed: Radical Traditions of the Islamic Holiday

Eye-opening insights into Muslim practices, including fasting, iftar, suhoor, zakat and the Night of Power. 

Ramadan: when Muslims don’t eat, drink water, smoke, have sex or doing anything bad during the day for an entire month?! Learn more about this holiday.

“Ramadan’s been interesting,” my friend living in Qatar once told me. “It’s only been two days and it’s already a country full of cranky, sweaty, dehydrated, hungry people. It’s no way to live.”

The concept of not eating, or even being allowed to drink water, during daylight hours for an entire month seems so foreign to us Westerners — and, yes, downright bonkers. It can’t be healthy, for one thing. 

“Ramadan is like Lent for Catholics.

Only instead of giving up something you love, you’re giving up something you need to survive. ”

You see, Ramadan is a bit like Lent for Catholics. Only instead of giving up something you love, you’re giving up something you need to survive. 

Ramadan is a time of spiritual reflection, self-discipline and community. But let’s be real — it’s also a time of intense hunger, caffeine and nicotine withdrawal, and dramatic mood swings.

But these sweeping generalizations miss the point. I didn’t have the full story of why Muslims celebrate Ramadan. So I decided to do some digging. 

Fascinating Facts About Ramadan

Ramadan is based on the lunar calendar, which means it starts 11 days earlier each year than the previous year. It takes 33 years for Ramadan to cycle back to a particular starting date. And once in a very blue moon, like in 1997, two Ramadans will fall within the same calendar year. The next time that will happen: 2033. 

The holiday began in 624 CE and commemorates the month in which the Prophet Muhammad is said to have received the first revelations of the Quran, the holy book of Islam, from none other than the angel Gabriel. 

The angel Gabriel delivers the Quran to the Prophet Muhammed — the event celebrated during Ramadan.

The word Ramadan comes from ramida, an Arabic root that means scorching heat or dryness. And no, it’s not referring to people’s parched throats on a hot day but the fact that Ramadan originally fell during the summer season.

Fasting during Ramadan is one of the five pillars of Islam, which are the basic duties that every devout Muslim must follow. The other pillars are prayer, declaration of faith, charity and pilgrimage.

Some years there are more hours of fasting due to longer daylight hours. The hours of fasting also change substantially throughout the world based on the hours of daylight in various locations. 

Not everyone has to fast, though. There are some exceptions, such as children (you’re on the hook only after puberty), and those who are elderly, sick, traveling, pregnant, menstruating, breastfeeding…or all of the above. You can either make up the fasts later or feed a poor person for each day you miss.

Fasting during Ramadan isn’t just about abstaining from food and drink — you have to forgo sex, smoking, and anything else deemed indecent or excessive. Muslims also try to avoid anger, gossip and bad deeds during the month.

You might think that fasting during Ramadan would work as a crash diet. But that’s not always the case. In fact, some people actually gain weight because they overeat after breaking their fast at sunset and shortly thereafter fall into bed. 

Once the sun has gone down, people can break their fast with the meal called iftar.

Iftar and Suhoor: Time to Stuff Yourself Silly

Break their fast you say? Well, it’s not like people could survive not eating or drinking water for an entire month. So, once the sun has set, Muslims have a meal called iftar, which traditionally starts with dates and water, as well as other foods like soup, rice and bread. 

Dates are the traditional food to break your fast once the sun sets during Ramadan.

Iftar is a time for celebration and indulgence. It’s a chance to gather with loved ones, share delicious food and thank Allah for the blessings of the day. 

People prepare plates of food for iftar. It must be hell cooking delicious-smelling dishes when you haven’t eaten all day.

Muslims then catch a few Z’s before getting up before dawn to eat a meal called suhoor. It’s a delicate balance between filling up enough to last until sunset without feeling like you’re going to burst. 

Prayer in Cairo by Jean-Leon Gerome, 1865

Prayer and Charity: The Chance for Forgiveness 

During Ramadan, Muslims attend special night prayers called taraweeh at mosques. They seek to deepen their relationship with Allah and cultivate a sense of spiritual peace and tranquility.

There’s also a strong focus on helping others. Islamic teachings encourage Muslims to set aside a percentage of their accumulated wealth to donate to charity (zakat) and do good works for the neediest in their community. “The best charity is that given in Ramadan,” Muhammed said.

The Night of Power is a mysterious occurrence during Ramadan. Muslims can seek it through intense prayer at a mosque during the last 10 days of the holy month.

The Quest for the Night of Power 

One of the most important moments of Ramadan is the Night of Power, or Laylat al-Qadr. The Quran declares that it’s “better than a thousand months” (Surah Al-Qadr, 97:3). 

I don’t quite understand what the Night of Power entails; it sounds a bit like an epiphany. According to the Prophet Muhammad, it’s an opportunity to ask for forgiveness of your sins.

But the Night of Power is elusive, mysterious, intensely personal. One way to seek the Night of Power is through the practice of i’tikaf, which involves secluding yourself in a mosque for the last 10 days of Ramadan. This intense focus on prayer and contemplation increases your chances of finding the Night of Power.

Many Muslims spend more time praying during Ramadan.

Another way to seek the Night of Power is through increased acts of worship, such as reciting the Quran, performing extra prayers or giving zakat. 

Finally, Muslims can seek the Night of Power through supplication and heartfelt dua, the act of calling upon Allah. Good news: “A fasting person, upon breaking his fast, has a supplication that will not be rejected,” Muhammad said. 

Massive amounts of people come together to celebrate Eid al-Fitr, the end of Ramadan.

Eid Al-Fitr: A Well-Earned Celebration 

After the month of fasting, prayer and spiritual reflection, Muslims around the world come together to celebrate Eid al-Fitr, the Festival of Breaking the Fast. (It’s pronounced like Eed al-Fitter.) It’s a time of joy, feasting and giving thanks.

The day begins with the Eid prayer, followed by a sermon in which the imam reminds the community of the lessons learned during Ramadan and encourages them to continue their spiritual growth throughout the year. 

People go to a mosque on Eid al-Fitr — and after the sermon, the feast begins.

After the prayer and sermon, Muslims exchange greetings of “Eid Mubarak” and engage in acts of charity and kindness. 

Finally, Eid al-Fitr is a time of feasting and indulgence, with traditional sweets and delicacies being shared among family and friends. 

Girl Reciting Quran by Osman Hamdi Bey, 1880

Ramadan and Self-Transformation 

I now have a better understanding of Ramadan. The religious holiday is a spiritual detox, a month-long opportunity for Muslims to purify their hearts, minds and souls. It’s a time to leave behind bad habits and negative behaviors, and focus on strengthening their connection with Allah and becoming better individuals.

It’s also an opportunity to wipe the slate clean. As the Prophet Muhammad said, “Whoever observes fasts during the month of Ramadan out of sincere faith and hoping to attain Allah’s rewards, all his past sins will be forgiven.”

Ramadan is a time of self-reflection, charity and forgiveness.

I’m sure that the intense sacrifice Muslims make during Ramadan leads to some pretty powerful revelations about one’s self and helps people be more empathetic to the less fortunate.  

“Ramadan is a time for us to remember what is essential in life, to let go of our attachments to the trivial and the mundane, and to connect with the divine and the transcendent,” says Omid Safi, a professor of Islamic studies at Duke University. 

Maybe that’s not so unhealthy after all. –Wally

10 Over-the-Top Attractions in Dubai: From an Indoor Ski Resort to Dolphin Shows

Dubai is a city packed full of amazing destinations. Here are the must-see spectacles to add to your Dubai itinerary, including Mall of the Emirates, the Museum of the Future, Dubai Global Village and Dubai Miracle Garden. 

There’s so much to see and do in the megacity of Dubai in the UAE. We’ve whittled down the list to the top 10 picks to add to your Dubai trip.

In what seems like the blink of an eye, Dubai has grown into what could be considered the entertainment capital of the world — a treasure trove teeming with hundreds of attractions that draw millions of visitors from around the world. What more would you expect of a megacity built in the middle of a desert?

With its ultra-modern architecture, magnificent skyline and exotic lifestyle, Dubai is synonymous with grandeur and luxury. Almost every attraction in the UAE metropolis is built with the utmost precision and dedication, captivating the world’s attention.

With such a long list, finding the best of Dubai can be challenging. So, here’s my list of the top 10 destinations in Dubai, complete with a fun fact about each.

1. Mall of the Emirates

The Mall of Emirates is the second-largest shopping mall in Dubai and was established in the year 2005. Equipped with almost everything you can possibly imagine, the mall is one of the top places to visit in Dubai. Several cafés, restaurants, theaters and retail outlets sell hundreds of high-end brands. But the main attraction of the Mall of Emirates is Ski Dubai, an indoor ski resort!

Fun fact: Ski Dubai includes the world’s first indoor black (expert) run, which is 400 meters (a quarter of a mile) long and has a gradient of 60 degrees.

Hours: 10 a.m. to 11 p.m. (Monday to Thursday)
10 a.m. to 12 a.m. (Friday to Sunday)

Sheikh Zayed Road

2. IMG Worlds of Adventure

Get ready for a day filled with adventure at IMG Worlds of Adventure, Dubai’s ultimate indoor theme park. This massive wonderland is divided into zones, including the Lost Valley, a prehistoric land where dinosaurs roam; Cartoon Network Zone, where you could meet Ben 10 and the Powerpuff Girls; and Marvel, with thrilling rides and attractions that will leave you feeling like a superhero. Oh, and there’s even a haunted hotel, if you dare!

Fun fact: The park’s Velociraptor roller coaster is one of the fastest in the world, with a top speed of 62 miles per hour (100 kilometers per hour).

Hours: 12 p.m. to 10 p.m. (Sunday to Friday)
12 p.m. to 11 p.m. (Saturday)

Sheikh Mohammed Bin Zayed Road

3. Museum of the Future

What will the world be like in 2071? That’s what this forward-looking museum tries to predict. Before you even go in, admire the torus-shaped architectural wonder created by Killa Design. Then go on an immersive journey into the future and learn more about how astronauts survive in space and how you can help reduce the effects of global warming.

Fun fact: The façade is made of stainless steel plates that feature Arabic calligraphy quotes from Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, the ruler of Dubai.

Hours: 10 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.

Near Emirates Towers Metro Station
Sheikh Zayed Road

4. Dubai Dolphinarium

Home to the majestic Black Sea bottlenose dolphins, the Dubai Dolphinarium is one of the coolest places to visit in Dubai with kids. Watch the fur seals and dolphins join together in a fun performance, and under the supervision of a trained professional, you also get to interact, play, feed and swim with these delightful sea creatures.

Fun fact: The Dolphinarium has a rare albino bottlenose dolphin named Kekaimalu, which means “From the Peaceful Ocean” in Hawaiian.

Hours:  9 a.m. to 8 p.m (Closed on Tuesdays)

Creek Park Gate 1
Umm Hurair Road

5. Dubai Global Village

Travel the world — without ever leaving Dubai. At the Dubai Global Village, you can take a stroll through the African pavilion, where you’ll be transported to the Serengeti and witness some exotic wildlife. Or visit the European pavilion to be immersed in a world of art and history. The complex also hosts incredible shows, including acrobatics, dance performances and concerts. And to get your shopping fix, there are over 3,500 outlets selling everything from local handicrafts to international brands.

Fun fact: The park’s largest attraction is a replica of the Taj Mahal, which stands 52 feet (16 meters) tall and weighs 3,000 tons.

Hours: 4 p.m. to 12 a.m. (Sunday to Wednesday, with Tuesdays for women and families only)
4 p.m. to 1 a.m. (Thursday to Saturday)

Sheikh Mohammed Bin Zayed Road

6. Dubai Miracle Garden

Get lost in the world of a fairy tale, where everything is covered in beautiful flowers. Dubai Miracle Garden is the biggest natural flower garden in the world, spreading over 775,000 square feet (72,000 square meters) and featuring 150 million flowers and plants. It’s an absolute paradise for those seeking to connect with nature — and for those who have always wanted to visit a Smurf village!

Fun fact: The flower arrangements change every season, and it takes over 200 people to plant and maintain the flowers throughout the year.

Hours: 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. (Monday to Friday)
9 a.m. to 11 p.m. (Saturday and Sunday)

Al Barsha South 3

7. Ain Dubai

Modeled after and inspired by the famous London Eye, Ain Dubai is the world’s tallest observation wheel, standing at a staggering height of 850 feet (260 meters). Marvel at the breathtaking views of Dubai as the capsule reaches the city’s highest point. Catch a glimpse of other places to visit in Dubai, including the Burj Khalifa, Burj Al Arab, Jumeirah Islands and more.

Fun fact: The observation wheel features 48 capsules that can each hold up to 40 people, offering a total capacity of 1,920 passengers at any given time.

(Note: At the time of publication, Ain Dubai was temporarily closed. Check to see if it has reopened yet.) 

Hours: 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. (Tuesday and Wednesday)
12 p.m. to 9 p.m. (Thursday to Saturday)

Bluewaters Island

8. Bollywood Parks Dubai

Have you always dreamed of starring in a Bollywood musical? Well, now’s your chance! Bollywood Parks Dubai brings you the first amusement park dedicated exclusively to Indian films. As part of Dubai Parks and Resorts, you can visit various remakes of famous Bollywood movie sets like Lagaan, Sholay and Dabangg and take in a 4D movie experience or dance workshops while admiring the beautiful Indian décor.

Fun fact: The hot new ride is Ra.One – Unleashed, a virtual reality ride based on a popular superhero movie. Riders feel wind and water as they battle robots and villains alongside the film’s hero, G.One.

Hours: 1 p.m. to 10 p.m. (Sunday to Thursday)

1 p.m. to 11 p.m. (Friday and Saturday)

Sheikh Zayed Road

9. Motiongate

Bollywood isn’t the only movie industry to inspire a theme park in Dubai; Hollywood has cast its spell as well at Motiongate. Also located within Dubai Park and Resorts, you can enjoy adrenaline-pumping rides and can meet Hollywood characters wandering around the park in zones affiliated with various production companies, including Columbia, Dreamworks and Lionsgate. Oh, and strangely enough, there’s a Smurf village here, too.

My favorite rides: the Green Hornet: High-Speed Chase and the Madagascar Mad Pursuit.

Fun fact: The park’s Zombieland Blast-off ride is the tallest freefall tower in the world, standing at 190 feet (58 meters) tall.

Hours: 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Sunday to Thursday)
11 a.m. to 9 p.m. (Friday and Saturday)

Sheikh Zayed Road

10. Dubai Opera

Dubai is also home to high culture — and in my opinion, no trip here is complete without a visit to the Dubai Opera. Once again, it’s a marvel of design. Despite its name, the 2,000-seat theater literally transforms itself to play host to a wide variety of stunning world-class entertainment, including orchestras, musicals, ballets and lectures. 

Fun fact: The opera house’s iconic design was inspired by the traditional sailing vessels of the Arabian Gulf known as dhows. The building’s unique shape also transforms into a flat floor space for events other than operas.

Hours: 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.

Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Boulevard

Everything in Dubai is over-the-top. Bigger is better — and the attractions are no different.

In a city of superlatives, these are what I think are the best of the best. Have you noticed how everything is described as the world’s biggest such-and-such? And so many of these attractions are held indoors, away from the intense desert heat. Dubai leaves no chance for disappointment, and every visit to this gleaming metropolis is worthwhile. –Nishita Khanwani

8 Reasons to Visit Marsa Alam, the Hot, New Egypt Beach Destination

Much more laidback than Hurghada and Sharm el-Sheikh, Marsa Alam offers pristine sea life for scuba divers and snorkelers, European-style service, desert excursions and nearby Wadi El Gemal National Park. And, of course, there are the dugong sea cows.

Not too long ago, Marsa Alam, Egypt was known only as a hidden gem for divers. The secret’s getting out — and the area is rapidly developing as a more laidback alternative to the northern Red Sea beach party destinations.

Home to one of the oldest ancient civilizations in the world, Egypt is a mysterious and fascinating travel destination that should be on your radar. However, the pyramids, temples and tombs are only the beginning — it's also a beach destination bordering both the Mediterranean and Red Seas. Located on the western shore of the Red Sea, the town of Marsa Alam offers a less-crowded alternative to Sharm el-Sheikh and Hurghada.  

Not long ago, Marsa Alam was a small fishing village whose only tourists were avid in-the-know scuba divers. In recent years, though, it has grown into a promising European-style resort destination. Almost directly east of Edfu on the Red Sea, it’s farther south than most other beach towns in Egypt. 

There’s a small international airport that services Marsa Alam, though it’s actually an hour or so north, in Port Ghalib. Whether you’re looking to relax and enjoy pristine sand beaches, high-quality luxury accommodations, desert trekking, or exploring the abundant sea life, there’s something for everyone here. 

Another gorgeous sunrise at Marsa Alam — which you’ll be up to see since you weren’t partying till the wee hours at the club

8 Reasons Why Marsa Alam Is Becoming a Hot Travel Destination

More and more tourists are skipping Cairo and heading to the beach resorts of Hurghada and Sharm el-Sheikh. However, Marsa Alam is one of the newest destinations and is quickly rising in popularity. Here’s why you should consider this up-and-coming hotspot in Egypt. 

This part of the Red Sea isn’t yet crowded or polluted — and the aquatic life is stunning.

1.   An untouched underwater world

Thanks in large part to its remote location, the underwater world of Marsa Alam is more wild and currently less affected by tourism — a real paradise for divers and snorkelers.

Who doesn’t love dugongs, this area’s version of the manatee?

Schools of exotic fish, vibrant coral reefs, sea turtles, dolphins and dugong sea cows can all be found in this part of the Red Sea. And if you’re not a fan of snorkeling or diving, there’s always the option of booking a glass-bottom boat excursion to enjoy the wonders of this enchanting underwater world.

First and foremost, Marsa Alam is a beach destination, where you can relax on the sand, swim, snorkel and scuba dive.

2.   Gorgeous beaches

The beach stretches for over 30 miles (50 kilometers). Almost every hotel has its white sand beach — a great place to admire the sunrise. 

And because Marsa Alam isn’t as crowded as Hurghada or Sharm el-Sheikh, it’s a good option for families with children. There’s a calmness to this region for those who want the opportunity to be alone with nature.

The Lazuli Hotel in Marsa Alam is just one of many luxury resorts popping up in the area.

3.   High-quality service

Tourists here mainly hail from Germany, Poland, Austria and the Czech Republic, giving Marsa Alam a European feel. In fact, unlike other resort destinations in Egypt, prices are in euros. And for those of you who have experienced bad service elsewhere in Egypt, you shouldn’t find it in Marsa Alam. 

It is also worth noting that, unlike other beach hotspots, vendors and travel services representatives aren’t as pushy here. 

Even the winter isn’t too cold in Marsa Alam, and most beaches are protected from the infamous Egyptian winds.

4.   Good weather

Because Marsa Alam is farther south than other beach resorts, the enviable climate is warmer, especially in winter, when the temperature averagess between 60 and 84 degrees Fahrenheit — making it a comfortable holiday destination all year round. Also, most hotels have bays that are protected from the infamously strong Egyptian winds. 

Explore the ancient Roman ruins at Wadi El Gemal National Park.

5.   Excursions and activities

Marsa Alam is a place where you can swim for hours, ride an ATV in the desert next to the sea, and visit nature reserves and national parks. 

Wadi El Gemal National Park (Valley of the Camels) is a must-do day trip just 28 miles (45 kilometers) to the south of Marsa Alam. It’s the third largest park in the East Arabian Desert, consisting of 1,840 square miles of land and 810 square miles of marine life. Here you have the opportunity to observe rare birds and animals as well as wander among the ruins of temples and other buildings that date back to Ancient Rome!  This area was known as the Emerald Mountains and supplied the empire with green beryl gemstones.  

Take a day trip to marvel at the natural sculptures in White Desert National Park.

6.   Awesome deserts

If you want a break from the beach, then a trip to the Sahara el Beyda is a great option, with its stunning scale and boundless space. The surreal chalk-white landscape, punctuated by natural sculpture shaped by the harsh desert winds, is now a protectorate known as White Desert National Park. 

Who says Marsa Alam has to be relaxing all the time? Hop on an ATV and go for a ride in the dunes of the nearby desert.

To me, the desert represents freedom. Don’t worry about it getting too hot — it’s particularly pleasant even in the spring. Go for a ride on a quad bike or jeep, ending with a trip to the closed nature reserve beach to look for giant shells and pieces of coral. The sand here rivals that of the Maldives in its whiteness.

The Iberotel Costa Mares is but one of several five-star hotels in the Marsa Alam area.

7.   New world-class hotels and resorts 

So many four- and five-star hotels to choose from! They stretch along the coast in either direction from Marsala Alam. Yes, they are right on the beach — but, at the same time, there is a lot of greenery here. The staff will set you up with sports, wellness treatments and other activities. 

8.   Tourist infrastructure

Pharmacies, shops, bars and restaurants are popping up all over town. You can also head to neighboring Port Ghalib, about an hour away, to eat at one of the restaurants there.

Marsa Alam, where the desert meets the Red Sea

Oh-So-Chill Marsala Alam 

Compared to other popular resorts in Egypt, Marsa Alam is much more relaxed. This is an opportunity to experience amazing beaches and sea life away from noisy tourists and discos. But, like many other on-the-rise destinations, it might not be long before Marsa Alam becomes overcrowded. I recommend going sooner than later. –Isabelle Jordan

 

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Also in the area

Edfu is a little over three hours away, directly west.

The Temple of Horus at Edfu

Kom Ombo Temple and the Crocodile Museum

Sofitel Legend Old Cataract Hotel Aswan

Abu Simbel

Ancient Gods of the Old Testament

Who is Baal? What about Asherah, Dagon, Marduk, Moloch and the other pagan gods of the Bible? And was human sacrifice part of their worship?

Some of these ancient gods, including Molech, who had a built-in baby-burning furnace, are accused of inciting human sacrifice.

My parents were never very religious. But that didn’t stop them from sending me to bible camp in the summer. (It was tons of fun — though we all dreaded the inevitable one-on-one with our counselor, when he’d ask if we had let Jesus into heart. Every year we replied that we thought Jesus was in there but we couldn’t be absolutely sure).

I also went to Catholic school for four years. So, even though I was obsessed with the ancient gods of Greece and Rome, I couldn’t help being influenced by the Bible’s condemnation of the Canaanite deities in the Old Testament. If you asked me about Baal when I was a kid, I’d have told you he was an evil god who was second only to Satan himself.

“The god El could very well have been the original conception of the Hebrew God.

It’s right there in the “el” in the name Israel, which is usually translated as “He Who Struggles With God.””

Imagine my surprise years later, when I learned more about the gods that were so maligned in the Bible. They weren’t always the bloodthirsty incarnations of evil they were depicted as. They were simply the deities worshipped by the kingdoms surrounding Israel and Judah. Baal, for instance, was essentially just another Middle Eastern god of fertility. The Old Testament writers disparaged them because they were rivals to their extremely jealous god, Yahweh. (In fact, when God came up with 10 Commandments for his people to follow, he topped the list with, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”)

Here are the major ancient deities of the Levant, and how they’re depicted in the Bible.

Adrammelech

Aka: Adramelech, Adar-malik

Meaning of the name: Majestic King

Domain: The sun, a counterpart to Anammelech, the goddess of the moon

Biblical reference: 2 Kings 17:31: The people of the Assyrian city of Sepharvaim were said to burn their children as sacrifices to the god.

Description: This handsome devil has the face of a mule and the plumage of a peacock. He’s also depicted as having a lion’s body with wings and the bearded head of a man.

Strange story: According to Collin de Plancy, author of the Dictionnaire Infernal, Adrammelech is in charge of Satan’s wardrobe.

Asherah

Aka: Athirat, Ashratu

Meaning of the name: Happy or Upright

Domain: There’s a lot of confusion around this deity. She could be the mother of the gods. In some incarnations, she was a goddess of sexuality or of the mountains. She also could be tied to the sea or the sun.

She might not even be a goddess; asherah seems to refer to cult objects — specifically the consecrated poles used in worship at the time.

Numerous statuettes like this one are tied to the goddess Asherah.

Biblical reference: 1 Kings 18:19: The goddess’ 400 prophets eat at Jezebel’s table, along with the prophets of Baal.

2 Kings 23:4-7: Josiah had “all the articles” made for Asherah and Baal burned, and the “idolatrous priests” were done away with. The Asherah pole was also set on fire and its ashes spread over the graves of the common people. And the quarters where women did weaving for the goddess were torn down.

Description: Often depicted as a stylized tree

Strange story: She’s connected with Yahweh as a consort — meaning that before the Jews were monotheistic, their God had a wife!

Ashtoreth 

Aka: Atar-gatis; connected to Ishtar and Astarte

Meaning of the name: Star

Domain: The moon; supreme goddess of Canaan and female counterpart to Baal

Biblical reference: 1 Samuel 12:10: One of many references to people declaring they will no longer worship the Baals and the Ashtoreths. The use of the plural could indicate that these names were used to speak generally about so-called pagan deities.

The goddess in her Atar-gatis guise has legs as well as a long fish tail.

Description: As Atar-gatis, she was a woman with the tail of a fish.

Strange story: As an earlier incarnation, Ishtar, the goddess was worshipped through prostitution. And she eventually morphed into a male demon, Astaroth, a great duke of Hell.

Baal

Aka: Ba’al, Baal of Peor, Baal-Berith, Baal-Zebub

Meaning of the name: Lord

Domain: Fertility, as well as the sun and storms; supreme god of Canaan and Phoenicia

Biblical reference: The Old Testament is lousy with references to Baal. He gave the Golden Calf a run for its money. Some choice selections: 

2 Kings 10:18-28: The Israelite King Jehu tricked all the servants and priests of Baal to come to the temple for a great sacrifice, where he had his soldiers massacre every last one of them. To add insult to injury, Jehu then made the house of Baal a public latrine. 

Jeremiah 19:5: Baal’s worshippers are said to burn their sons alive as a sacrifice to appease the deity. 

1 Kings 18:28: The priests of Baal worked themselves into a frenzy and cut themselves with swords and lances.

You can see how depictions of Baal might have helped influence Christians’ concept of the Devil (aka Beelzebub).

Description: Baal is basically a minotaur — a powerfully built man with the fearsome head of a bull. He’s sometimes shown as a man wearing a toilet-plunger-looking hat  over his luxurious curls and holding a lightning bolt in his upraised hand.

Strange story: Baal’s worship included public ritual prostitution between one of his priests and a local woman.

The demon Beelzebub, whom Jesus links to Satan in the Book of Matthew, is a modification of one of Baal’s names.

Chemosh

Aka: Asthor-Chemosh

Meaning of the name: Uncertain; perhaps Destroyer or Fish God

Domain: War, mountains; primary god of the Moabites

Biblical reference: 1 Kings 11:7: Despite being held up as a paragon of virtue, King Solomon actually built a sanctuary to Chemosh — thought of as a move to please his Moabite wife.

2 Kings 3:27: The king of Moab sacrificed his firstborn son and heir to Chemosh on the city wall — and the strategy worked. The Israelites scurried away in defeat.

Description: An old man with a full beard, wearing a bulbous cap and sometimes brandishing a sword

Strange story: There’s rare archeological evidence that calls out Chemosh by name: the Moabite Stone, or Mesha Stele, discovered in 1868 at Dibon. It bears an inscription commemorating the circa 860 BCE endeavors of King Mesha to overthrow the Israelite dominion of Moab. 

Dagon

Meaning of the name: Grain

Domain: Fertility, agriculture, war, death and the afterlife; chief god of the Philistines

Biblical reference: 1 Samuel 5: The Philistines captured the Ark of the Covenant and put it in the temple of Dagon. In the morning, the statue had fallen over, face-down, in front of the ark. The next morning, the same thing had happened, and the statue’s head and hands had broken off. The worshippers of Dagon were justifiably freaked out, so they moved the ark from town to town — but everywhere it resided, the people developed tumors. Eventually, the Philistines returned the cursed ark to Israel.

The statue of Dagon kept falling down in front of the stolen Ark of the Covenant.

Description: A merman — half man, half fish, or a bearded man wearing a sort of giant fish cloak, with the open mouth pointing skyward

Strange story: The concept of Dagan’s appearance is fishy, though — some sources think it’s a misrepresentation of the deity.

El

Meaning of the name: God

Domain: Father of the gods

Biblical reference: Genesis 14:18–20: Abraham accepts the blessing of El.

Description: An old man, often with wings; sometimes depicted as a bull

Strange story: In the Bible, El is the supreme god of the Canaanites, yet is identified with Yahweh. In fact, he could very well have been the original conception of the Hebrew God. It’s right there in the “el” in the name Israel, which is usually translated as “He Who Struggles With God.”

If El was the prototype of Yahweh, it explains the connection between his wife, Asherah, and the Hebrew God.

Hadad 

Aka: Ramman; often conflated with Baal

Meaning of the name: Thunder

Domain: Storms, fertility

Biblical reference: It’s believed that some of the mentions of lower-case baals (gods) in the Old Testament refer to Hadad — though he also gets jumbled up with numerous other deities of the region. 

One theory, which I imagine to be controversial, states that Psalm 29 was actually about Hadad and not Yahweh, waxing poetic about the voice of God striking with flashes of lightning, shaking the desert, twisting oaks and the like.

Description: Another bearded man wielding a lightning bolt

Strange story: Like the Egyptian deity Osiris, Hadad is murdered by a fellow god, and the world goes barren before he is resurrected.

Marduk

Aka: Bel (which means Lord)

Meaning of the name: Bull Calf

Domain: Justice, compassion, healing, magic; sometimes also a storm and agriculture deity; patron god of Babylon

Biblical reference: Jeremiah 50:2: A rallying cry about the fall of Babylon, where Bel is put to shame, and Marduk is dismayed

Description: A man with a curly beard wearing a robe covered with circular devices. He’s got a pet/servant dragon.

Marduk, god of justice, defeats Tiamat, the goddess of chaos.

Strange story: Marduk killed the goddess of chaos, Tiamat (often shown as a griffin-like creature), with an arrow that split her in two. From her eyes, the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers began to flow, and from her corpse, Marduk formed the heavens and earth. 

Moloch 

Aka: Molech, Molekh, Mo’lech, Moloc

Meaning of the name: King

Domain: Not sure — maybe the underworld; does sacrificing babies count?

Biblical reference: Leviticus 20:2-5: Yahweh demands that the Israelites stone to death any man who “gives his seed” to Moloch, who loved a good child sacrifice.

Description: A calf or an ox; a man with the head of a bull with arms outstretched, its body a furnace to roast infants

Strange story: There’s no real archaeological evidence of a god named Moloch. This most likely wasn’t the name he was known by among his worshipers but rather a Hebrew transliteration. Some scholars think Moloch was actually the same god as Baal.

Nisroch

Aka: Nisrok

Meaning of the name: Possibly relating to a plank of wood, specifically from Noah’s Ark, which Sennacherib, the king of Assyria, worshipped as an idol

Domain: Agriculture

Biblical reference: 2 Kings 19:36-37: Sennacherib was worshipping in the temple to Nisroch, when two of his sons came in and smote the heck outta him with their swords.

King Sennacherib’s sons flee the temple of Nisroch after killing their father.

Description: A muscular man with the head and wings of an eagle (though this is thought by some scholars to originally have been a depiction of a jinni), sometimes shown watering a sacred tree

Strange story: There’s some debate as to whether Nisroch is actually a deity or if it’s a scribal error for the god Nimrod. In later folklore, Nisroch became a demon who’s the chief cook in Hell.

Tammuz

Aka: Dumuzi

Meaning of the name: The Flawless Youth, the Good Young One

Domain: Fertility, shepherds (helping keep newborn animals from being defective)

Biblical reference: Ezekiel 8.14-15: A being of fire (even its loins were aflame) shows the prophet Ezekiel pagan atrocities. At the entrance to the Temple in Jerusalem, Ezekiel sees women weeping for the death of Tammuz, much to his horror. The fire being, though, assures him he’ll see much worse abominations, which is hardly surprising.

Description: A total hottie

Strange story: Tammuz was killed by his lover, Inanna, the goddess of sexuality, because she felt he didn’t mourn her enough when she was lost in the Underworld. Don’t worry: In a foreshadowing of Christ (and in the tradition of Adonis and Osiris), Tammuz was resurrected. –Wally

The Fall of Israel in the Old Testament Explained

The Bible states that the kings of Israel sinned greatly. But Israel fell because it was just too attractive to the Assyrians. 

At first the Assyrians ignored Samaria, then the capital of Israel, thinking it was too isolated. But eventually they attacked it and conquered the city, along with rest of the kingdom.

If you believe the Old Testament, the kingdom of Israel suffered and ultimately fell because its rulers and people just couldn’t be monogamous with the god Yahweh. (They also supposedly burned their sons and daughters as offerings and practiced divination and sorcery, among other sins.) 

But, looking at the archaeological record, “Israel’s greatest misfortune — and the cause of its destruction and the exile of many of its people — was that as an independent kingdom living in the shadow of a great empire, it succeeded too well,” write Israel Finkelstein and Neil Asher Silberman in The Bible Unearthed: Archaeology’s New Vision of Ancient Israel and the Origin of Its Sacred Texts.

Yes, Israel fell because of jealousy — not God’s but the Assyrians’. 

“Israel — with its rich resources and productive population — was an incomparably more attractive target than poor and inaccessible Judah,” the authors explain. 

Israel’s prosperity sparked Assyria’s envy. The minute the Israelites considered a revolt, the Assyrians launched an attack.

Assyria’s Bitch: The Complaints of the Prophets Amos and Hosea

For a time, Israel was a subservient vassal to Assyria, paying tribute to maintain peace. 

This age of prosperity began around 800 BCE and greatly upset two biblical prophets, Amos and Hosea. They abhorred Israel’s dependence upon Assyria and its economic disparity between the ruling elite and the poor. Amos railed against those who slept on beds of ivory, chilled out on couches, ate lamb and calves, sang songs while playing the harp, drank wine from bowls, anointed themselves with fine oils and built houses of hewn stone, amongst other egregious transgressions. 

The prophet Amos railed against the rich and their exploitation of the poor.

His contemporary Hosea didn’t appreciate deals made with Assyria or the export of oil to Egypt. 

Hosea, another prophet, ridiculed allegiances with Assyria and Egypt.

This condemnation of a wealthy lifestyle and foreign influence on the Israelite way of life would greatly influence the Old Testament’s stodgy philosophy.

The Assyrian monarch Tiglath-pileser III, who conquered Israel

The Decline and Fall of the Israelite Kingdom

A new Assyrian king, Tiglath-pileser III, also known as Pul in the Bible, began a campaign to conquer and annex the region, deporting its residents at his whim.

Israel at this time had been subject to the assassinations of four kings in 15 years. A military officer named Pekah joined with King Rezin of Damascus to attempt a united resistance against Assyria. 

The plan backfired. Tiglath-pileser III conquered and/or destroyed city after city, executing Rezin and bringing Israel to its knees. Ironically, the one city that was spared Assyria’s wrath was Samaria, which happened to be the capital of Israel. Why? Tiglath-pileser felt it was too “isolated,” as he boasted on a monumental inscription. 

A man named Hoshea assassinated Pehkah, becoming what would be the last king of Israel. In the time between the death of Tiglath-pileser and the succession of Shalmaneser V to the Assyrian throne, Hoshea devised a plan. He asked the lords of the Egyptian delta for help and, in the meantime, stopped paying tribute to Assyria. It didn’t turn out well.

Shalmaneser instantly marched upon Samaria, laying siege to the city. Either he or his successor, Sargon II, who came to the throne in 722 BCE, finally bested Samaria’s defenses. Many Israelites, possibly the aristocracy and artisans, were deported deep into Assyrian territory, while people from other conquered countries were brought to repopulate Samaria. 

The kingdom of Israel fell to the Assyrians, its cities conquered and its people deported.

“It was all over,” write Finkelstein and Silberman. “Two stormy centuries had come to a catastrophic end. The proud northern kingdom and a significant part of its population were lost to history.” –Wally

Did the Old Testament Conquest of Canaan Really Happen?

Archeological evidence shows that the Israelites’ destruction of Jericho and the other cities of the Promised Land was nothing more than propaganda. 

And the walls came tumbling down? Did the city of Jericho fall as it’s depicted in the Bible? The Taking of Jericho by James Tissot, circa 1902

I always felt bad for Moses. He suffered as his people were enslaved by the Egyptians and was instrumental in leading their escape — only to have them wander dejectedly through the desert for 40 years. And then, right as the Israelites were in sight of Canaan, at long last, poor old Moses keels over and dies. He never even got to set foot in the Promised Land. 

It seems like a cruel trick: After leading his people out of slavery and then for 40 years in the desert, Moses gets a glimpse of the Promised Land — but dies before entering it.

Turns out the Israelites most likely didn’t go on to engage in a conquest of Canaan as the Bible says, according to Israel Finkelstein and Neil Asher Silberman in their book The Bible Unearthed: Archaeology’s New Vision of Ancient Israel and the Origin of Its Sacred Texts. 

“Despite the string of fantastical victories described in the Bible, there’s no archeological evidence that the Israelites conquered the cities of Canaan. ”

At the time of the supposed conquest of cities like Canaan, the area was actually sparsely populated with no evidence of warfare.

Despite the string of fantastical victories described in the Old Testament of the Christians (the first five books of which make up the Jewish Torah), there’s simply no archeological evidence that the Israelites conquered the cities of Canaan. 

In fact, at the time the conquest is said to have happened, in the Late Bronze Age, the cities of the region were sparsely populated.

And despite the description of the walls of Jericho miraculously tumbling down at the blowing of some trumpets, the towns of Canaan weren’t fortified. There would be ruins of stone walls from the time — but there simply aren’t any. Makes for a dramatic story, though. 

A map of the Twelve Tribes of Israel from 1320

The First Israelites: A Peaceful, Gradual Expansion

Instead of a lengthy battle campaign in which the Israelites conquered the major cities of Canaan, archeological evidence points to a much more mellow birth of the Israelite people. 

A dense network of about 250 highland villages in central Canaan developed in the span of a few generations around 1200 BCE. Most were no more than an acre in size, home to an average of 100 inhabitants, half of which were adults and half children. 

There certainly wasn’t a strong cultural identity that united these people.

The Ancient Israelites didn’t go on a killing spree throughout Canaan; they arrived peaceably over the course of a few generations.

“In contrast to the culture of the Canaanite cities and villages in the lowlands, the highland villages contained no public buildings, palaces, storehouses or temples,” write Finkelstein and Silberman. “Signs of any sophisticated kind of recordkeeping, such as writing, seals and seal impressions, are almost completely absent. There are almost no luxury items: no imported pottery and almost no jewelry. Indeed, the village houses were all quite similar in size, suggesting that wealth was distributed quite evenly among the families.”

Also conspicuously absent for God’s supposed Chosen People: shrines or any other evidence of their religious beliefs.

The early Israelites seem to have eked out an agricultural existence. Stone-lined pits dug between houses stored grain, and fenced courtyards secured animal herds at night. 

The Fall of Jericho by Tamás Galambos shows the city as a small metropolis. But the reality is that these were small unfortified villages.

Despite the biblical stories of conquest after conquest, the evidence shows that these people were actually peaceful. The villages weren’t fortified and showed no signs of burning or other sudden destructions that would indicate an attack. Nor were any weapons discovered during excavations.

The Ancient Israelites surely had a lot that differentiated them from other people in the area, like unique religious practices, right? Nope. Only one thing: an aversion to pork.

The One Defining Characteristic of the Early Israelites 

As mentioned, the remains of these villages offer scant clues as to what set apart the Ancient Israelites. There simply isn't any evidence of religion or culture. But there is one item that’s conspicuously missing from their diet: pig bones. While these were found in neighboring lands, the lack of remains reveals that no pigs were raised in the highlands during the Iron Age, the era of the Israelite monarchies. 

So what made the early Israelites unique? They didn’t eat pork. Th-th-th-that’s all, folks. 

“Half a millennium before the composition of the biblical text, with its detailed laws and dietary regulations, the Israelites chose — for reasons that are not entirely clear — not to eat pork,” Finkelstein and Silberman write. “When modern Jews do the same, they are continuing the oldest archaeologically attested cultural practice of the people of Israel.”

This site, known as the Tower of Jericho, reveals that the conquest of Canaan didn’t happen like the Bible says.

Contrary to the Bible

The archeological evidence just doesn’t support the tales of the Old Testament, the authors argue. In fact, it’s the exact opposite: “the emergence of early Israel was an outcome of the collapse of the Canaanite culture, not its cause,” they write. “And most of the Israelites did not come from outside Canaan — they emerged from within it. There was no mass Exodus from Egypt. There was no violent conquest of Canaan. Most of the people who formed early Israel were local people — the same people whom we see in the highlands throughout the Bronze and Iron Ages. The early Israelites were — irony of ironies — themselves originally Canaanites!” –Wally

Ghosts, Demons and Genies

The monsters of Supernatural, Season 2, Episodes 19-22 include a jinni and acheri.

Are you part of the 45% of the population who believes in ghosts?

S2E19: “Folsom Prison Blues”

Monster: Ghost

Where it’s from: All over the world

Description: How can you tell if a ghost is around? “The clock stopped, the flickering lights, cold spot — I mean, he did everything but yell, ‘Boo,’” Dean says.

Ghost Boo GIF from Ghost GIFs

What it does: This ghost causes its victims to have a heart attack. Maybe this isn’t so farfetched. A 2012 YouGov poll found that 45% of respondents believe in ghosts, and about a third think that ghosts can harm or otherwise interact with the living.

How to defeat it: You know the drill: The all-powerful salt can dispel it, but burn her bones to get rid of it for good.

Jinn are mentioned in the Quran — in fact, Allah created them to worship Him

S2E20: “What Is and What Should Never Be”

Monster: Jinni (or as Dean says, “a frickin’ genie”). No one can seem to agree on the spelling: The plural is, alternately, jinn, jinns, djinn or djinns. I guess it’s like Hanukkah/Chanukah.

Where it’s from: the Middle East

Description: “My God, Barbara Eden was hot, wasn’t she?” Typical Dean line. Jinn can change shape at will. This one prefers to appear as a man with a shaved head and tattoos all over his body.

Jinn are supernatural tricksters from Arabian mythology that are below angels and devils in the hierarchy. They’re creatures of air or flame who dwell in inanimate objects. They delight in punishing humans for any harm done. If you know the right procedure, you can force a jinni to do your bidding.

Jinn are actually mentioned in the Quran. As this verse attests, they were created before mankind:

Indeed We created man from dried clay of black smooth mud. And We created the Jinn before that from the smokeless flame of fire. (Quran 15:26-27)

What’s a bit surprising is that Allah (as God is known to Muslims) created them to worship Him:

“I did not create the Jinn and mankind except to worship Me.” (Quran 51:56)

Jinn, or genies as most Americans know them, are powerful creatures who can change their shape and love to trick humans

There are five types of jinn, according to Alif the Unseen:

1. Marids: They’re the most powerful jinn, described as “the classic genies of folklore, often portrayed as barrel-chested men with booming voices.” They’re associated with water.

2. Effrits: These fiery creatures possess spectacular magical powers and are quite cunning. In the Quran, King Solomon gained control over a tribe of effrits, who performed various tasks for him.

3. Ghouls: Zombie-like, these undead creatures haunt graveyards and prey on human flesh.

4. Sila: Most often portrayed as female, these talented shapeshifters are known to seduce their victims and are the most intelligent type of jinni.

5. Vetalas: Vampiric creatures that possess human corpses, they can see the future, gain insight into the past and read thoughts.

What it does: The jinni has created an alternate world, where the Winchester boys’ mom wasn't attacked by a demon. Sam’s a sporty wuss studying law and is engaged to Jessica. And Dean gets to mow the lawn!

You can make a jinni do your bidding — but be warned: He’s not gonna like it!

He’s also scored a dream girlfriend, prompting him to ask, “How’d I end up with such a cool chick?” His girlfriend is so freakin’ cool she’s got a wicked sense of humor. She replies, “I’ve just got low standards.”

There are hints that all is not as it should be, namely visions of a grimy girl in a dowdy dress.

If it all seems too good to be true, that’s because it is. The jinni can alter reality, shaping the past, present or future as it sees fit. The catch to this tempting alternate reality is that the Winchesters aren’t hunters, so all the cases they’ve solved never happened, and all those people weren’t saved.

“Why do I have to be some kind of hero?” Dean wants to know. “Why do we have to sacrifice everything?”

This jinni doesn't actually grant you a wish; it only makes you think it has: You're really tied up somewhere as it feeds upon your blood, slowly draining your life away.

How to defeat it: A silver knife dipped in lamb’s blood. Perhaps it has something to do with the most gruesome of God’s plagues during the time of Moses. Yahweh (the name God went by in the Old Testament) wanted to convince the Pharaoh to release the Israelites from slavery. So he sent a variety of plagues. But turning water into blood, frogs, lice, wild animals and flies, diseased livestock, boils, horrific hail, locusts and darkness for three days still wasn’t enough for Pharaoh to give up his free labor. So Yahweh decided He’d kill every Egyptian’s first-born son. So the Angel of Death knew which houses to pass over (hence Passover, get it?), the Israelites were told to smear lamb’s blood on the thresholds of their doors:

The blood shall be a sign for you on the houses where you live; and when I see the blood I will pass over you, and no plague will befall you to destroy you when I strike the land of Egypt. (Exodus 12:13)

If you don’t have a sacrificial lamb handy, we can personally attest to this efficacy of this protective chant.

The acheri casts a shadow of death upon sleeping children so they can suffer a long, painful illness as it did

S2E21: “All Hell Breaks Loose: Part One”

Monster: Acheri

Where it’s from: North America

Description: There’s a demon that disguises itself as a little girl. She’s an acheri, the ghost of a girl who died a horrible, drawn-out death, often from sickness but sometimes the victim of abuse and murder. The monster comes from the folklore of the Chippewa tribe of North America. It returns from the spirit world to live in the hills and mountaintops, flying through the valleys at night to bring a plague of pestilence to sleeping children. No wonder kids get sick so much.

Its daytime guise is that of a frail, gray-skinned girl who’s so pitiful looking you just can’t help but feel sorry for her. But its true form is a hideous monster with a skeletal frame, demonic red eyes and long clawed fingers.

What it does: The acheri suffered a long, painful death, and it wants to inflict that same misery upon others. It doesn’t even need to touch children to pass on its trademark fatal respiratory disease — its shadow merely needs to pass over its victims.

The more lives it claims, the stronger the acheri becomes.

“The acheri suffered a long, painful death, and it wants to inflict that same misery upon others. ”

In this episode, the psychic 23-year-olds all smell sulfur when they awake in the ghost town of Cold Oak, South Dakota, supposedly the most haunted town in the United States. The Yellow-Eyed Demon has gathered the “best and brightest” and wants soldiers in a demon war to bring on the apocalypse. Oops — he really just wants one soldier. A leader. So he’s set up this Hunger Games-like competition. The kids must off each other until only one is left standing.

We meet Lily, a new psychic who kills whoever she touches, including her girlfriend. She tries to leave…and ends up hanging in a noose from the rickety windmill, killed by the acheri.

Ol’ Yellow Eyes says he’s rooting for Sammy. In a high-def dream, he shows Sam the night his mom died. The demon stood over the crib, cut itself and bled into Sam’s mouth. “Better than mother’s milk,” he says. Eww.

How to defeat it: Salt, not surprisingly, is once again the miracle cure. But when a young woman named Ava breaks the protective salt barrier, she lets in the acheri, which tears open a hole in Andy’s chest.

Acheri are also vulnerable to the color red. Amulets, clothing and ribbons of red act as a ward against a visit from this evil demon. Parents would weave red necklaces for their children to wear for protection from the illness the acheri spreads.

Ava, who can control demons, declares herself the “undefeated heavyweight champ” and attempts to kill Sam. But superstrong Jake snaps her neck. She’s undefeated no more. Yet good old’ Sam can't bring himself to kill Jake — and is literally stabbed in the back. And…dies?! Thing is, there are like 18 more seasons, so I’m not too worried.

Being attacked by a demon is no fun at all

S2E22: “All Hell Breaks Loose: Part Two”

Monster: Demon

Where it’s from: All over the world

Description: They’re perversions of nature, though the ones on Supernatural tend towards hot chicks for some reason.

What it does: Demonic omens include cattle deaths and lightning storms.

In this episode, Dean turns out to be a big softie after all; he’s willing to make a huge sacrifice to get Sam back.

Demons can’t resurrect people unless a pact is made. “I know, red tape,” the demon says.

He wants to make a deal with a demon with the trusty crossroads pact we covered here. He exchanges his soul after one more year of life for Sam to come back from the dead. If he tries to welch out of the deal, Sam will turn back to “rotten meat” and drop dead.

You’ve got to be careful, though: How sure are you that the Sam you brought back is 100% the old one? the Yellow-Eyed Demon asks.

Supernatural likes its demons to be hot chicks, but most of the time they’re freaks of nature like these fellows

How to defeat it: If you’re not sure if someone’s possessed by a demon, make them do a shot of holy water. That’s what they make Ellen do. (They’re nice enough to follow it up with a shot of whiskey.)

Also consider the trusty Devil’s Trap. This one is supersized, constructed of iron lines (e.g., railways) and frontier churches built by Sam Colt, the guy who made that monster-killing gun. It’s all to protect a Devil’s Gate, “a damn door to Hell.”

Well, the gate opens, but the good news is that Daddy Winchester escapes Hell and battles the demon. Dean shoots it with the Colt, it dies, and their dad glows and disappears in a poof of smoke. It’s hard to imagine he didn’t head up to Heaven.

The bad news? The hunters have unleashed 100 to 200 demons. “The war has just begun.” Gulp. –Wally

The Monsters of “Supernatural,” Season 2, Episodes 13-15

Are angels real? Meet Archangel Michael, Archangel Raphael and Beelzebub as well as tricksters like Loki, Anansi, Hermes and Reynard the Fox.

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Angels, like Raphael, aren’t typically depicted in artwork as badass and intimidating like the Bible describes them

S2E13: “Houses of the Holy”

Monster: Avenging angel

Where it’s from: Israel and other parts of the Middle East

Description: There’s no such thing as angels, Dean argues. But Sam points out that there’s more folklore about angels than anything else they hunt.

“You know what?” Dean responds. “There’s a ton of lore on unicorns, too. In fact, I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams and they shoot rainbows outta their ass!”

“You mean there’s no such things as unicorns?” Sam jokes. These two should take their comedy act on the road.

“There’s some legends you file under bullcrap,” Dean says.

Despite this contention, 72 percent of Americans said they believe in angels, in a 2016 Gallup poll. I don’t know why that high number surprises me: After all, most Americans think a woman who never had sex gave birth to a man who came back from the dead.

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The angels known as seraphim actually have six wings

We have a conception of angels as humanlike creatures with large feathered wings sprouting out of their backs. But there are different orders of angels described in the Old Testament, with seraphim, “the Burning Ones,” at the top of the hierarchy. They’re often depicted as red-skinned and wielding flaming swords. Seraphim have six wings: two for flight, two to cover their faces (for even though they fly above the throne of Heaven, they can’t handle looking upon God’s face) and two to cover their feet (so they don’t step on holy ground — though some scholars think this might actually translate to “genitals”), according to whyangels?com.

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This illuminated manuscript depicts a six-winged seraphim above the crucifixion of Christ

In another Bible verse, Daniel 10:5-6, the prophet describes an angel in this manner:

I looked up and there before me was a man dressed in linen, with a belt of fine gold from Uphaz around his waist. His body was like topaz, his face like lightning, his eyes like flaming torches, his arms and legs like the gleam of burnished bronze, and his voice like the sound of a multitude.

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This doesn’t look like the cute little cherubs we’re used to!

And we know cherubim, or cherubs, as Cupid-esque chubby toddlers with wings. Turns out they’re actually powerful guardians that also carry flaming swords.

Angels are neither male nor female, though they always appear with men’s bodies and never women’s, according to What Christians Want to Know.

Dean’s not buying Sam’s claim that they’re hunting an angel. “You didn't see any fluffy white wing feathers?” the smartass asks.

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Many angels, Raphael included, are God’s means of justice and punishment

What it does: When someone’s visited by the angel in Supernatural, the surroundings shake, and the person is filled with religious ecstasy. They’re then driven to kill because it’s “God’s will.”

That’s actually somewhat in keeping with biblical lore: Angels are God’s agents for “bringing punishment and displaying His holy wrath,” according to What Christians Want to Know.

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Take that, Satan! The Archangel Michael defeats the Devil

How to defeat it: In the church, Sam points to a painting of Saint Michael, the slayer of demons. He’s almost always depicted in artwork as stepping on a cringing Devil.

In this episode, Father Gregory died a violent death, and the other priest didn’t get a chance to administer last rites.

Father Gregory’s grave is covered in wormwood, which we learn is a sign of a spirit not at rest. Wormwood is a bitter herb that’s a key ingredient in absinthe, which has been banned because it supposedly causes hallucinations. In witchcraft, it’s used to increase psychic powers and perform exorcisms.

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If you want to communicate with spirits, a séance is the way to go

Sam performs a séance ritual based on early Christian rites that involves white candles and a large black candle. It’s in Latin, of course.

In the end, Dean just might be right: This isn’t an angel at all. It turns out to be a vengeful spirit that thinks it’s an angel.

Father Reynolds finally performs last rites and puts the spirit to rest. “I call upon the Archangel Raphael, Master of the Air, to make open the way,” the priest chants. “Let the fire of the Holy Spirit now descend, that this being might be awakened to the world beyond.”

Raphael’s name translates to “God Heals,” from the story in the apocryphal Book of Enoch (the apocrypha are the stories that for some reason didn’t jibe with those who chose what would go into the official Bible.) In Enoch, Raphael heals the Earth after it was defiled by the fallen angels, according to Catholic Online.

So maybe there really aren’t such things as angels. It’s still OK for me to believe in unicorns, though, right?

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I’ve warned you that demons are usually horrifyingly disgusting

S2E14: “Born Under a Bad Sign”

Monster: Sam?! (Possessed by a demon)

Where it’s from: All over the world

Description: Demons are powerful perversions of nature. We’ve covered them before here and here.

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Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, spreads disease and rules Hell

One of the most famous demons in the Judeo-Christian tradition is Beelzebub. He’s usually depicted as a monstrous giant fly, which goes along with his title, Lord of the Flies. Because flies are nasty creatures that hang out on shit and corpses, it shouldn’t come as a shock that Beelzebub spreads disease.

He’s also associated with tempting people with the deadly sin of pride.

In the Gospel of Nicodemus, another apocryphal text, Jesus gave Beelzebub dominion over Hell because the demon freed Adam and other unbaptized saints, allowing them to go up to Heaven. Satan was not pleased.

What it does: Demons like to possess people, manipulating them like puppets. And while the Yellow-Eyed Demon doesn’t seem like much fun, some demons are better to be possessed by than others.

Even ol’ Beelzebub has been known to possess people now and them. Back in 1611, in Aix-en-Provence, France, a Father Louis Gaufridi was accused of making a pact with the Devil, in which a group of Ursuline nuns were possessed by Beelzebub.

The priest was burned at the stake. His executioners used bushes instead of logs because they burn slower and hotter. During the execution, onlookers said they saw flies rising from Father Gaufridi’s body.

How to defeat it: Holy water will burn that mofo. If you can slip it into a beer, all the better!

Watch out for a binding link scar. (The one Sam’s got looks a whole lot like a Q.) To break it, destroy the connection. You could try branding over it with a hot poker — just know it’s gonna hurt!

What’s the secret to fighting off a demonic possession? The answer is surprisingly simple: “If I told them to swing a black cat by its tail over their head at midnight, they would do that,” said Father Vincent Lampert, the designated exorcist for the Archdiocese of Indianapolis, Indiana. “People think they have to do something extraordinary, but it is actually the very ordinary things that build up graces and offer protection. If a Catholic is praying, going to Mass and receiving the sacraments, then the Devil is already on the run,” he told the National Catholic Register.

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Loki, the tricker god of Norse mythology as played by Tom Hiddleston, is one of the best villains in the Marvel universe

S2E15: “Tall Tales”

Monster: Trickster

Where it’s from: All over the world

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Hermes, the Greek god of travel and thieves, is also a trickster

Description: Religions and folktales all around the globe include a trickster deity. The Norse had Loki, while the Greeks worshiped Hermes. In West Africa, there was the spider Anansi. European folklore includes tales of the mischievous Reynard the Fox. And Native Americans tell stories of the Raven and Coyote.

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The African trickster Anansi is the star of a well-known children’s book

“Almost all non-literate mythology has a trickster-hero of some kind,” the famous mythologist Joseph Campbell said in An Open Life. “And there’s a very special property in the trickster: He always breaks in, just as the unconscious does, to trip up the rational situation. He’s both a fool and someone who’s beyond the system. And the trickster represents all those possibilities of life that your mind hasn’t decided it wants to deal with. The mind structures a lifestyle, and the fool or trickster represents another whole range of possibilities. He doesn’t respect the values that you’ve set up for yourself, and smashes them.”

Sounds like they’re essentially rebels, eager to disrupt the social order. No wonder I’ve always had a soft spot for Hermes.

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Reynard the Fox is surely up to no good, preaching to these birds

What it does: In this episode, urban legends are coming true. A girl’s ghost seduces a lecherous professor, then sends him out the window and down four stories to his death. A sexed-up ET abducts a hazing-crazed frat boy, who’s anally probed again and again. (“Some alien made you his bitch,” Dean says. But it got worse, the boy adds: It made him slow dance to “Lady in Red.”) A shiny watch down a drain lures a researcher who tests on animals to end up mauled to death by a crocodile in the sewers.

Thing is, it only happens to dicks who you could argue deserve punishment. The trickster is getting his ideas from Weekly World News. These deities thrive on chaos and mischief. And it played the boys like fiddles, fellow hunter Bobby tells them.

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Loki, like many tricksters, is able to shapeshift

Tricksters are shapeshifters, sometimes taking human form. They can conjure anything out of thin air.

In a climactic final battle, lingerie-wearing vixens on a round bed with red silk sheets toss Dean around while Barry White’s “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe” plays. Meanwhile, Sam and Bobby get attacked by chainsaw-wielding psychopaths like something out of a horror flick.

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There goes Reynard the Fox, showing off again

How to defeat it: Try tricking the trickster. Sam and Dean fake a fight and then end up staking the trickster. The reality it has constructed fades away.

But this is only temporary. After all, tricksters, being gods, are immortal. –Wally